According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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