I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
