Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
