I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm like, not good at living.
Dick very happy bro
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize