shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
