I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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