I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
