yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
