I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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