Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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