If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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