i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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