Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
