the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
