I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize