I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
