just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
