imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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