If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize