Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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