My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
