and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
