The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
