i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
