he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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