That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
