guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
