I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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