I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
