In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
