Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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