if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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