i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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