a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
