i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
