Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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