I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
