the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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