I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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