She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
