it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
