No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
