He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
