Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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