My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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