so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
