Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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