i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
