And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
