$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
