Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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