$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
