please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
