I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
