Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
