Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
