Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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