Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
When are your genitals available?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
