We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
