if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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