Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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