The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
