How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
