I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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