kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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