i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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