Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
