Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
