He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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